Captain Apache (1971)

This has a reputation for being really quite bad—and of course it is—but I also actually quite enjoyed it. It opens with Lee Van Cleef’s spoken word very 70s spoken-word title song, which is a treat for fans of Shatneresque music. The local Indian commissioner has been murdered, and dies with the words “April Morning”. Van Cleef’s Indian cavalry officer spends the rest of the film trying to find out what the phrase means. As it turns out pretty much everyone in the whole American South West seems to be in on the conspiracy but unfortunately they all get killed just before speaking to Van Cleef. We (the viewer and Lee Van Cleef) thus approach the finale with little plot advancement and no clue as to what the phrase actually means, but miraculously he somehow manages to get on the right train for all to be revealed. There’s then a further 2 plot twists (the main one meaning that all Van Cleef’s efforts were slightly irrelevant and unnecessary).

This plot summary highlights the main issue with the film: the whole thing hinges on the mystery which is suddenly revealed at the end with no meaningful hints on the way. Individual scenes on the other hand were quite good (in a cheesy sort of way) and that’s what allowed me to have some fun watching it while being disappointed in the whole thing.

Lee Van Cleef doesn’t make a particularly convincing Indian, or wear a particularly convincing toupee, but he is always fun to watch. He also appears in a loincloth at one point (a treat for the ladies, possibly?). I thought Carroll Baker was also pretty decent as the bossomy seducress and lover of the main villain (and just about everyone else) although it wasn’t a role which required a huge acting range. The rest of the cast was somewhat nondescript (most of them were killed off reasonably quickly).